Rocker realizes not working can be quite lucrative.
photo credit: chascar
IGHT-WING rock guitarist Ted Nugent, having just received a payout not to appear at a Longview, Texas venue this July, is reconsidering many if not all of his future concert bookings for 2014 and beyond.
An anonymous source inside Nugent's compound says that the controversial rocker "is thinking about slowing down a bit. Now that Ted realizes he can make money by keeping quiet, he's been sending the word out that he'd be happy not to play in your town, too, if the price is right."
Venues around the country have responded positively to the non-Nugent option, offering in some cases almost as much to secure the rocker's absence as they did to attract him initially.
In St. Louis, Missouri, the Chamber of Commerce says tickets "are selling like hotcakes" for a summer music festival renamed "No Nugent Under the Stars."
Organizers of the on-again, off-again music festival Lilith Fair say they've seen a surge in ticket sales with the new tagline, "Ted Nugent: We Never Booked Him in the First Place."
"Just the fact that we have always booked women artists and therefore never had to pay Ted Nugent one red cent not to appear on our stages has given Lilith Fair a huge boost this year," beamed a concert booking agent.
Nugent is said to be "entertaining all possible spin-offs to this new non-appearance business model," according to another source, who asked not to be identified "so Ted doesn't shoot me in the woods."
Other avenues for non-performance-with-fee the hard rocker is considering include not recording, not appearing on Fox News, and not showing up at the drugstore unannounced, which unduly frightens little children and the elderly.
"I know for sure we could take up a collection for that," said Nugent's pharmacist.
© 3.25.14 Kate Heidel