Eyjafjallajokull, schmEyjafjallajokull.
N LIGHT OF the recent coverage of Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull volcano, geologists charged with naming volcanoes have sent word to media outlets that "we will do our level best from now on to give our planet's magnificent volcanoes names that are not completely obnoxious."
Eyjafjallajokull—whom no television or radio announcer would dare pronounce for fear of appearing in blooper reels for all time—is, one geologist observed, "still capable of violently erupting and profoundly disrupting air travel even if its name were 'Steve.'"
Other volcanologists, however, point firmly in the direction of glaciologists as the real culprits, since "Eyjafjallajokull" had already been chosen for the Icelandic ice structure "by cocky glacier geologists who have a history of going too far in such matters."
The tensions between some volcano and glacier scientists have threatened to escalate into full-blown conflict, prompting psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw to voluntarily step in before things get out of hand.
"We've got a mess of geologists threatening to throw punches and name each other's stuff some very ugly things," said Dr. Phil on a recent Larry King broadcast. "And I think our young students, the geologists of the future, deserve a better bunch of role models, am I right, guys?"
As a result of Dr. Phil's timely intervention, several earth scientists on both sides of the issue have already begun work on a détente that will, in their words, "open the door to a future in which glacier and volcano experts can name geological structures in peaceful cooperation."
In addition, the geologists promise to apply names "that are shorter, more pronounceable, and even, in some cases, downright attractive."
Meanwhile, news anchors and the public are encouraged to rename the Icelandic volcano "whatever they decide by consensus is a good alternative to Eyjafjallajokull."
"'Steve' works for me," said Katie Couric.
© 4.20.10 Kate Heidel
