Simply turn in your Birther hunks of junk at any recycling center and receive $50 towards a more intelligent model.
HILE CONGRESS works toward infusing $2 billion in additional funds for the Cash for Clunkers program, it will concurrently fund a similar stimulus in order to lessen the wasteful gas emissions arising from the Birther population.
Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar noted that "most of the air has gone out of the fake-news story about Obama's birth certificate," but warned that there were "still a few gasbags holding on for dear life," prompting Congress to act quickly to prevent any further polluting emissions by those the bill calls "the dumbest of the dumb."
"We can't get every single Birther off the street," continued Senator Klobuchar, "but we can at least encourage people to bring them in for some cold, hard cash; and that, we believe, should significantly improve the nation's air quality."
Shoppers across the U.S. will start noticing the Birther recycling burlap sacks prominently displayed in all major grocery chains, including Costco, by as early as midweek. Walmart has declined to stock the recycling sacks, citing what a spokesman called "the still teensy-weensy chance this whole Birther thing could take wing like our great national bird, the big ol' Killer Eagle."
Added the Walmart spokesman, "I say this knowin' I could get sacked myself, but hell, where are they gonna put me, Guantanamo? You all gonna waterboard me just 'cause I want my president not comin' from Kenyaland?"
Instructions included with the Birther burlap recycling sacks assure users that "the weave of burlap means your Birther will risk absolutely no chance of asphyxiation." However, recyclers are encouraged to "disarm your Birther as best you can before placing it in its roomy sack," given what the instructions describe as "the Birther's tendency to carry concealed weapons."
According to Jim Bailey, head of a recycling plant in Portland, Oregon, the Birthers will be recycled into cleanup crews along the nation's highways.
"It'll put them on the beautification side of things," said Mr. Bailey, "instead of the polluting side."
© 08.04.09 Kate Heidel