"Now you can't hate me because I'm stinking rich!" sobs mother of Apple.
EALTH-STRICKEN actress Gwyneth Paltrow, coming under heavy criticism recently for blog entries considered tone-deaf to the world economic crisis, broke down when an interviewer asked how she could casually suggest serving caviar or purchasing $1800 Hermès belts when most people could barely afford to make ends meet.
Sobbing wildly, the Tiffany-bejeweled Paltrow cried, "I don't hate you!! Why do you hate me?? All I want is for people to nourish their better selves!! Waaaaaaaa!!!!"
As Paltrow stomped her Manolo heels and wept, cameraman Bill Paxton noticed something unusual in the actress's tears.
"They sort of shimmered when they dropped, like when rain catches the sunlight," recalled Mr. Paxton. "I've never seen anything quite like it."
Continued Mr. Paxton, "Something told me to try to collect her tears, so while Ms. Paltrow was sobbing and turning beet red the way she does, I stuck my eyeglasses out and caught a couple of them on one of the lenses."
Noticing that the drops still shimmered, Mr. Paxton brought his glasses to a local jewelry store to have the tears analyzed.
"Appraised is more like it," chuckled the cameraman. "Those two little babies were diamonds, and weighed in at almost half a carat."
Ms. Paltrow's publicist, Marguerite LaPlage, announced upon the discovery that the actress "was of course delighted and overwhelmed to learn that her tears are expensive," and added that Ms. Paltrow "will be sure to cry the extra tears now, to help all the world be more wealthy. She wishes for us all to make her cry at every possible opportunity."
Later in the day, Ms. Paltrow herself read from a prepared statement:
"I am honored and humbled that my tears will effectively release African diamond-mine workers from their previously pathetic lives of drudgery and servitude. They are now completely free to do soul-nourishing things, like travel Spain in a Bentley with me and Mario Batali for PBS."
© 03.17.09 Kate Heidel