Presumptive House Speaker Pelosi Agrees to Switch Designers

Republicans accuse Armani-clad Pelosi of elitism

N A BOLD move intended to thwart Republican baiting of her Armani wardrobe as "elitist," presumptive Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced at a recent press briefing that she would switch designers in time for the next session of Congress.

"I know that Armani is one of the world's greatest designers," stated Pelosi, "but I feel that now is the time to put aside partisan bickering over my fabulous suits.

"Therefore, as of tomorrow morning, I am switching to Target's clothing designer, Isaac Mizrahi, so that we as a country can focus on the people's business, not my gorgeous getups."

"Well at last we're hearing some sense out of Congresswoman Pelosi," stated ex-Speaker-of-the-House Newt Gingrich, sipping his glass of Château Lafite-Rothschild at the annual $1000-a plate National Rifle Association dinner, whose theme at this year's gala event is "If You Can't Beat 'em, Shoot 'em."

Turned out top to toe in Burberry, the dapper 63-year-old Gingrich continued, "Nancy Pelosi, with her San Francisco values, had to show the people she meant business—and I guess she finally got the message: you can't do the people's business all gussied up in Armani."

"Poopsie, they're ready for you to go on now, honey." Newt Gingrich's third wife, 40-year old Callista Bisek, gently tugged at her husband's silk ascot.

"You'll have to excuse me," said Gingrich, as his wife straigtened the ex-Speaker's diamond-encrusted American flag pin. "I have the honor of giving the annual address this year. I call it, 'Shoot to Kill: Crosshairs on the Threats to Our Way of Life.' Kind of a snappy title, if I do say so myself."

"Isn't that a beautiful pin?" swooned the third Mrs. Gingrich, watching her husband approach the speaker's podium. When asked if she had given the flag pin to her husband, she giggled, "Oh, heavens, no! That was a gift from Jack Ab— um, Palance. A gift from Jack Palance!"

Mr. Palance, recovering slowly from a recent bout of death, could not be reached for comment.