House Chaplain Prayers Approved By Paul Ryan

". . . oh Lord, give succor to the poor, but not in the form of Food Stamps, which only heightens dependence on the already strained Federal budget . . ."

photo credit: Michael Rastetter

EAR HOLY Father in Heaven,

As the House commences another day of setting right what has been prior wrought by members who thought helping the poor meant the poor helping themselves, let us humbly go forth in our duties, not to balance the budget on the backs of hard-working Americans who are now enjoying upwards of $1.50 per week added to their paychecks as a result of Your admonition to pass our recent tax cut, but to allow deficits to do Your will, which is to allow Your most successful servants, who have risen to the top of the pile of wretched humanity as You have seen fit, to be filled with Your almighty abundance, such that it might one day trickle down in the form of a multitude of jobs in the coal and gas industries, yea as well in the financial services industries, so that, as the EPA does Your will and restores Man to his rightful dominion over the earth, and the CFPB removes Satanís chains of fiduciary responsibility upon Your faithful stockbrokers and financial advisors, America will once again thrive. Also, help us to repeal Obamacare this time for sure. Amen.

Dear Lord and Savior,

As our brothers and sisters on the Democratic side of the aisle continue their fruitless wanderings in the valley of the shadow of Russian interference in the 2016 elections, and even as they are also continually fooled by Satanís evil mirage of collusion by the Trump administration, just as they are almost daily tempted to bite of the apple of Healthcare for All, when we know from Eveís example that what will instead flow forth is expulsion from the Garden of Personal Responsibility into the Wilderness of Socialized Medicine, we pray this morning that one day Democrats will allow themselves to be guided by Your holy light, and thus be filled with the Holy Spirit that passeth all legislation exonerating our God-fearing president. And speaking of Eve, allow us dear God to defund Planned Parenthood at least until the Second Coming. Amen.

Dear Lord of Hosts,

We pray this morning that You, Dear God, in Your infinite wisdom, will bless the poor among us with new eyes to see that not just cleanliness, but the willingness to work three jobs and the humility to see that unions are an undue burden on the makers, i.e. the Captains of Industry—as skillfully portrayed in both The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, this second title having been especially maligned by those who would not understand, for they have never read its pages, that it is actually quite a fast read—that such humility is next to godliness, and that you will, oh Lord, give succor to the poor, not in the form of Food Stamps, which only heightens dependence on the already strained Federal budget, now that the makers have finally been recognized with a modest $1.5 trillion tax cut for their invaluable contributions to the economic lifeblood of our great nation, but rather in the form of self-reliance and a desire to participate in the state of holy matrimony, if they are a man and a woman, and if they issue forth children, and continue issuing forth children until You, oh Lord, are satisfied with the number of issue. And not before. Amen.