"I'm not so sure Clarence Thomas isn't a complete stinker after all," says the new Dem.
ENNSYLVANIA SENATOR Arlen Specter, having just switched parties to the Democratic side of the aisle, has been taking inventory of his past decisions as a Republican, and is publicly contemplating the role he once played in confirming Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.
"When I look back at those times," said the senator, "I wonder, what the hell was I thinking? I mean, Ms. Hill gave painfully descriptive details about Thomas that at the time I thought was attributable to her being a saucy liberal wench. But now it's dawned on me that the opposite might have been true, that Thomas may well simply have been exhibiting the obvious behaviors of a complete sexist pig. Well, obvious to me now, but then I was too worried about deregulating stuff."
Senator Specter said that he has lately been rerunning the confirmation hearings in his mind "if only," he mused, "so that I can try to understand the whole proceedings from her perspective now. I believe that's what people call 'empathy,' but I'm not sure. I'm very confused lately, with all these new thoughts and feelings crowding my head."
Prominent Republicans are dismissing Specter's new-found political stance as a "tragic side effect" of his Hodgkin's disease and the multiple rounds of chemotherapy that were necessary to combat Specter's illness, first diagnosed in 2005.
Said Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner, "Obviously my good friend has completely lost his marbles. It's no wonder he can't think straight; heck, that chemo fried his brain. The only decent thing for his constituents to do is to have Arlen gently removed from the Senate and sent home to rest and unscramble that old grey matter. Poor guy, he was a great man, once."
"Speaking of that," responded Specter, "just imagine if I hadn't had access to the Senate's spectacular health care insurance for life. I might be dead right now if I was out of work and left high and dry like so many millions of Americans today! I guess I just never thought about it before."
"See, just what I'm saying," said Boehner. "The guy's certifiable. Get him outta here."
Specter asked, "Was Boehner always this bad? I never noticed what a jerk he is until now. My head hurts."
© 4.29.09 Kate Heidel