Paul Ryan Believes Life Begins at Conception, Ends When He Kills Medicare

Hard-core Catholic says after retirement "life will end naturally."

Paul Ryan
photo credit: Gage Skidmore

EPUBLICAN Veep candidate and conservative Catholic Paul Ryan is letting his thoughts on both abortion and Medicare be known as he stumps across the country as Mitt Romney's running mate.

The Wisconsin conservative, who believes that life begins at conception, is also quite clear about when life should end.

"When I kill Medicare and replace it with my 'voucher system,'" said Ryan, employing air quotes, "life will end naturally, as it began," he explained.

"Our elders, who we deeply appreciate for their decades of hard work, but really, what are they doing that's so great after retirement? -- will fade away, one by one, of natural, age-related diseases, and go quietly to meet the Lord," Ryan continued.

"And if any of them committed the sin of abortion in their youth," he added, "they'll also meet the souls of their unborn children. Bonus!"

Mr. Ryan says he plans to roll out his "voucher system" with air quotes at every campaign stop "because it's a fun way to interact with the crowds, who don't seem to have a clue about the difference between my 'voucher system' and actual Medicare."

The Veep candidate went on to explain that ending Medicare would save the U.S. "billions of dollars every year not treating old people with old-people diseases. I think we can all agree that saving money not saving old people should be one of this country's core values. It's already one of mine," he said.

"However," Ryan was quick to add, "if you're old and have lots of your own money, feel free to hang around indefinitely. Dick Cheney is a great example of that," Ryan said. "And Ayn Rand was, too, like I even need to mention it."

The Wisconsin congressman expressed "great optimism" that the Romney-Ryan ticket would win in the November election.

"I can't wait to get to work as 'your' Vice President," Ryan said, adding that his first order of business would be "to implement my 'voucher system,' so I can finally stop using air quotes. My fingers are getting tired."