Groundhog Predicts Six More Weeks of Christie's High-School Dirt on Staffers

Phil scurries back into lair to avoid raging governor.

Punxsutawney Phil on Groundhog's Day in Gobbler's Knob
photo credit: Anthony Quintano

AMOUS GROUNDHOG Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow yesterday, thus heralding six more weeks of vituperative rants by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie against the high-school behavior of former members of his staff.

Said a close follower of Punxsutawney Phil, "Six more weeks of winter is bad enough, but I don't think I can also take six more weeks of Christie exposing stuff about how someone did in Social Studies, or even worse, Gym."

A woman from Hackensack, New Jersey, said her family initially had decided they couldn't afford to take a winter holiday to Bermuda this year, "but now that I know how much longer we've got to hear Christie attacking people's high-school records, we're just going to throw it on the credit card and get the hell out of here."

Governor Christie began his rants by sending a 700-word email in which he tore into former Port Authority official David Wildstein, alleging that Wildstein "was publicly accused by his high-school social studies teacher of deceptive behavior."

Insiders leaked that the next email may accuse former Deputy Chief of Staff Bridget Anne Kelly of being "a flirty cheerleader with a C average in Algebra" and also claim that Ms. Kelly "slipped her principal five bucks to get a better seat on the bus to their high school's hockey semi-finals."

Ms. Kelly's attorneys would not comment on the allegations except to say that their client "was dismayed to hear that such scurrilous accusations could potentially be lodged by a standing governor" and that Ms. Kelly "often did C+ work or better, and we stand ready to prove it in court, if necessary."

Former Christie staffer and campaign manager Bill Stepien also may not be immune to attacks over the coming weeks. Rumors are already flying that Christie will expose what he calls "egregious voting irregularities" during Stepien's high-school prom, putting into question the legitimacy of Stepien's reign as King of the Prom.

Mr. Stepien could not be reached for comment, but a friend speaking off the record said the former Christie staffer "was confident he earned his crown and scepter that night, fair and square."