"She's just like Sesame Street's Big Bird, only she's Sarah Palin," explained Senator John Ensign.
HE NOW-FAMOUS C Street group, a once-secret Washington, D.C., club of conservative Congressmen, has just named former Governor and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin to be C Street's "cheerful, spunky mascot."
Charter member and Nevada Senator John Ensign praised the choice, saying that Palin "will charm outsiders the way Big Bird charms the little children who watch that weird Sesame Street on government-subsidized public television. Kids should be afraid of Sesame Street and its radical leftist politics, but they're not afraid, and that's because of Big Bird."
Senator Ensign said that in the exhaustive search process, the C Streeters "looked for a mascot who would represent our values in a sweet and wholesome way, so that outsiders—who really don't understand the gravity of our heaven-blessed mission to save the world by having affairs and throwing lavish parties—would not be frightened. Sarah won us over hands down. She's just like Sesame Street's Big Bird, only she's Sarah Palin."
Ms. Palin made the final cut, Ensign said, because of her "unique abilities and assets," which included her "eager willingness to don America's answer to the burka: the bikini," her "wholesome enjoyment of guns, and all God's creatures that they kill," and her "extraordinary sentence structure," which Ensign said could only be understood by "like-minded, God-fearing patriots.
"If you're a Nazi-liberal-socialist, her sentences sound like complete mumbo jumbo," claimed the senator. "But to real Americans she sounds like a bonus chapter of the audio Bible.
"In fact," added Senator Ensign, "next week Sarah's first act as our C-Street mascot will be to jump out of a cake while reading from the book of Revelation in her bikini. Our dear friend Governor Mark Sanford is celebrating his wedding anniversary, without the ball and chain. I'm sure he'll be mightily inspired by Sarah's reading, as will we all."
© 11.20.09 Kate Heidel
