Straight from the greasy gulf waters to your kitchen table.
ITH TONS OF oil from a sunken rig spreading over the waters off the Louisiana coast, U. S. seafood companies have decided to sell their current catch "pre-oiled," and are calling the unique process "the greatest innovation in consumer food-preparation convenience since the toaster pastry."
Claiming that pre-oiled seafood will drastically cut cooking time as well as save the average consumer hundreds of dollars per year in butter, pan spray, and cooking oil costs, food processing centers around the country are quickly retooling for the tons of pre-oiled fish coming into their plants, and say they "eagerly await consumer response to our delectable new seafood products."
Said one company executive, "Some say we're turning lemons into lemonade, but what we're really doing is putting more money into the pockets of consumers so they can splurge on lemons to squeeze onto our delicious, completely safe, pre-oiled fish products. My mouth is watering just thinking about it!"
President Obama restated his commitment to building additional offshore drilling sites despite the Gulf of Mexico's sunken, exploded oil rig.
"Americans don't build and sink oil rigs because it's easy, but because it's right," said the President. "It's right for our energy needs when the rig is up, and it's right for our dinner tables when the rig is down."
The pre-oiled seafood will be sold as a limited edition and therefore is considered somewhat of a specialty item.
"Yes the cost is a little higher than the corresponding non-oiled seafood item," admitted the executive, "but the 'net' savings to the consumer will still be quite impressive. And so will the taste of quality crude on a nice, juicy lobster tail. Hold the butter!"
© 4.29.10 Kate Heidel