Snooty store said to be smugly satisfied with scion selection.
N ONE OF HIS FIRST ACTS AS THE newly elected President, Mr. Obama announced today that he was placing hotel heiress Paris Hilton into nomination as Ambassador to Saks Fifth Avenue, the exclusive, high-end retailer whose borders have traditionally been closed to any but the wealthiest of international visitors.
Said President Obama, "We are pleased and proud to offer Ms. Hilton as our choice of ambassador to Saks Fifth Avenue. As you know, no one is allowed into Saks under the current regime without, at best, receiving withering glances from the shop's elite associates. Many fine, ordinary Americans have been summarily tossed out of the region by brutal guards at the behest of the present leadership."
Mr. Obama went on to say that Ms. Hilton's fluency in the Saks language of shopping, as well as her "unwavering commitment to partying until dawn" made her "a tireless envoy" and thus "superbly qualified to enter, and someday open, the closed world of high-end fashion to all Americans."
Ms. Hilton is expected to pass Senate confirmation without much resistance. Senate leader Harry Reid expressed his enthusiastic support for President Obama's choice, saying that Ms. Hilton "represents our best hope that average Americans may someday cross the borders of Saks with their heads held high and without fear of expulsion."
Senator Reid did admit, however, that even if ordinary American citizens were allowed to freely roam the departments of Saks Fifth Avenue, little on offer would actually be affordable to the modest budget.
"I'm hoping that Ms. Hilton can negotiate future sales treaties with our friends at Saks," said the senator. "It's a lofty dream, but I believe the day will come when every American will be able to purchase a pair of socks at Saks without having to file for bankruptcy."
Ms. Hilton, who was not immediately available for comment, was said to have responded well to the news of her nomination, downing twelve celebratory shots of Grey Goose at L.A.'s Club Bardot and stripping to the waist.
© 2009 Kate Heidel
