Santorum Vows to Throw up During Presidential Oath If Elected

Will bring "Jesus pail" for "preserve, protect, and defend" portion of swearing in.

EPUBLICAN presidential candidate Rick Santorum, who recently stated he wanted to "throw up" at President John F. Kennedy's speech on the separation of church and state, has vowed to throw up during the oath of office if he is elected President.

"I promise to bring my Jesus pail to the swearing in," said Santorum. "The oath of office includes this: 'preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.'" Excuse me, but am I the only one who knows what that blasphemous document says?? It says, 'Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.' What a bunch of godless hooey!" Mr. Santorum said. "I suppose our founding fathers went to college or something. Well goody for them."

The Republican went on to say that he would not throw up "if they leave that part out" of the oath of office, or if they let him modify the oath "to something that makes more sense. Like 'preserve, protect, and defend a woman's right to choose life, and/or a doctor's right to ultrasound her private parts if she chooses the other thing," he suggested.

Given the very small likelihood that the presidential oath of office would be edited, Mr. Santorum said he would "try my darnedest not to throw up too much, or more than once," and that he would "really try not to get any on Mr. or Mrs. Obama, although I can't promise. Maybe college types know how to control that sort of thing," said the candidate, "but when the Lord is forced to take a back seat, I guess I just can't help myself."

Santorum went on to vow that, after the mess was cleaned up "and I brush my teeth and everything," he would try to immediately compensate for taking the "godless" oath of office—"except for the 'so help me God' part they tack on at the end, which is so fake"—by handing out flyers to the invited guests, encouraging them "to skip college, not use birth control, and cut taxes on job creators.

"Maybe then the Lord will forgive me," said an emotional Santorum.