Target Data Breach Extends to Parallel Universes

Shoppers from other universes did not even have to step foot in parallel Targets to have sensitive information stolen.

Outerspace galaxy
photo credit: Sezzles

UST-RELEASED memos from Target Corporation headquarters reveal that more than one parallel universe has found itself dealing with similar data breaches to those against Target customers in our own universe.

A high-level Target executive, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed that the data breach "has now reached into at least three parallel universes that we know of."

"We're not quite sure how this happened," the executive continued, "but we've reached out to our best quantum physicists to get to the bottom of it."

Target is scrambling to handle this latest consequence of its poor security infrastructure, and has said it will offer free credit monitoring for one earth-year to any affected parallel universe.

Nova's Brian Greene, one of the physicists brought on board to unravel Target's latest breach, said the problem first came to light "when millions of complaints came through the same single email simultaneously."

"Although Target receiving millions of complaints is not by itself unusual these days," said Greene, "simultaneous communications flowing into one email can only occur when a quantum state of customer dissatisfaction is present."

Target's executive said he was "fairly optimistic" that Target would be able to remediate the parallel universe data breach and "earn back the trust of millions of beings we never knew existed," adding, "These creatures—and I mean that in the nicest possible way—might one day become loyal Target customers if we do things right."

For his part, Greene said he and his colleagues would do their best "to bend space-time for Target so that none of this ever happened."