Bernanke Stalls Fed Stimulus, Still Taking in 'American Idol' Departures

There is only so much one man can deal with at a time.

photo credit: Medill DC

N HIS semi-annual report to Congress, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced that the lack of stimulus from the Fed would continue "until I can assimilate the news that both Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez are stepping down as judges from American Idol."

Admitting that the news "was quite a blow to me personally," Chairman Bernanke said he could not therefore "pinpoint a definite end date to my Idol slump" or provide a timeline for stimulus measures coming from the Fed.

"Idol was my stimulus measure," said the Fed Chairman, "and if they choose Katy Perry as one of the replacements, I'll just die."

The Fed was reportedly working on a third Quantitative Easing package of bond purchases when the news broke that Steven Tyler had decided to step down from American Idol.

"That was bad news to Bernanke," said a Federal Reserve insider. "Ben over time came to be quite impressed with Mr. Tyler. At first Bernanke thought the producers had made a poor choice, but then was pleasantly surprised at Steven's energy and wit," the insider said.

"Steven Tyler is responsible for QE 2, by the way," he added, noting that the quantitative easing program put forth by the Fed coincided with Bernanke's "positive assessment of Tyler's contribution to the Idol judging panel, not to mention Steven's rocking performance of 'Dream On,' when he hit that high note despite his age," the analyst fondly recalled.

But the final blow to hopes of a new Fed stimulus came when Jennifer Lopez announced that she, too, would be stepping down as an Idol judge.

"There is just so much stress even a powerful, influential man can take," said a personal friend of the Chairman, who spoke on condition of anonymity.

"Ben looked so forward every week to seeing Jennifer Lopez on the judging panel," said Bernanke's friend. "He called her his 'sparkling angel,'" she added.

"He thought it was so touching the way Jennifer encouraged all of the contestants, but between you and me, it was her hot performances on the Idol stage that kept Ben going through this tough economy," Bernanke's friend confided.

Stock index futures headed lower on the Fed Chairman's announcement to Congress, prompting one analyst to predict "hard times ahead for the U. S. economy, unless they can at least lock in Charlie Sheen for Idol Season 12."