Walmart to Drag Americans Away from Thanksgiving Dinner to Beat Competitors

"Make no mistake: You WILL be shopping at Walmart on Thanksgiving," says friendly flyer appearing in mailboxes around the U.S.

2012/11/15 OO in support with Walmart employees
photo credit: Daniel Arauz

IG BOX retailer Walmart is stepping up the Thanksgiving Day shopping competition by promising to "drag both new and valued old customers away from their Thanksgiving dinner tables," usher them into shuttle vans, and drive them to the nearest Walmart, "where our prices will be unbeatable!"

The discount retailer has mailed millions of Thanksgiving flyers that have already begun to appear in mailboxes around the U.S.

New and current customers alike are reacting to the flyer's message, which reads, "Make no mistake: You WILL be shopping at Walmart on Thanksgiving."

"I don't personally mind being physically dragged from my Thanksgiving dinner by Walmart, considering their unbeatable prices," a woman in Ames, Iowa said. "I just hope they don't rough up my mother too much. She's got arthritis pretty bad."

"I've never been to Walmart," admitted a man in Springfield, Illinois. "Will they give us coupons? Will they be dragging me away before or after the pumpkin pie?? I think I have a right to know."

Competitors find themselves unprepared for Walmart's aggressive Thanksgiving campaign, and are scrambling to devise an effective response.

Rumors are circulating that Target has hired the Mafia to pose as Walmart van drivers to drive the shuttles to local Target stores instead, or into the nearest river if there is no local Target.

Kmart would not confirm that Jaclyn Smith has agreed to design clothes for the Walmart van drivers that will fall apart at the seams, thus forcing them to drive home to change.

Unfazed by these rumors of sabotage, Walmart is already working on its Christmas strategy, which some hint will involve chimney invasions and reindeer gangs.