Tim Pawlenty Polls Below Stale Muffin

More apocalyptic ads are on their way.

ORMER Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty continues to struggle for decent poll numbers in his Republican bid for the Presidency. In a recent poll of Iowa voters, the candidate landed three points below a stale muffin.

Putting his best spin on the poor numbers, an aid to Pawlenty said Iowa's poll "was disappointing, yes, but an improvement over projections that a stale muffin would beat the Governor in a Pillsbury bake-off. Still, we can always do better."

So far, polls have shown Pawlenty scoring just above dried mud and cooked celery, despite a high-voltage ad campaign that implies dire consequences for the U.S. if the former Governor of the Gopher State is not its next President.

However, as time passes, it is becoming increasingly evident that Tim Pawlenty's strategy may need serious retooling if he is to get beyond the "inanimate object" tier of competitors.

"Stale pizza is still way out of his reach," confirmed one former Pawlenty staffer, who admitted he had grown "damn sick and tired of T-Paw not getting anywhere near shouting distance to even one of the semi-human candidates like Gingrich."

For his part, Pawlenty says he believes his "message of hope tinged with fear of complete annihilation" will eventually succeed in getting him "way up where the people are."

In the meantime, Pawlenty staffers are quick to point out the weaknesses of the former Governor's immediate rivals.

"Just try getting ideas from a stale muffin about how to improve the economy," said one staffer. "You can't do it!"

"And can cooked celery make the tough decisions about sending our soldiers into harm's way?" another staffer asked. "It cannot."

Pawlenty will be debating his nearest rivals at an Iowa venue next week, where dried mud promises to wipe the floor with him.