Incoming Republican Congress Promises 'Cruella Deville' Theme for 2011

Self-serving waterworks will continue unabated, however.

HEN THE 2011 Congress convenes in a couple of days, House Republican leader John Boehner has promised his incoming party "will govern with one thought in mind: what would Cruella Deville do?"

Although 2010 saw Republicans in Congress attempt to kill health-care reform, unemployment insurance, and medical care for 9/11 first responders, soon-to-be House Speaker Boehner said those actions "were just dress rehearsals for the Cruella Deville Show we're going to put on this year."

With tears welling up, Boehner added, "We say to the American people, 'You ain't seen nothing yet—hell no!!' Did I mention that I started working when I was just a tike? All I ever wanted was the American dream. . ."

On the docket for 2011 is the repeal of health-care reform, the dismantling of Social Security, and the permanent dissolution of unemployment insurance.

Explained Boehner, "If you can't get health insurance because of a pre-existing condition, then what the hell do you need Social Security for? You're never gonna get old enough to collect!"

As far as unemployment insurance, Boehner said, "We're committed to seeing that you can't afford things like food, or like gas for your damn ugly beater. Remember: it's 2011, and we are total Cruellas!!"

Wiping away his tears, Boehner added, "Did I ever tell you I've been trying to reach the American dream since I was ten? I was an adorable kid, you know, absolutely adorable. . ."

"He really was," chimed in a tearful Mitch McConnell, taking a seat next to Boehner and pulling out a handkerchief to blow his nose. "And if it's the last thing I do, I'm going to gut the VA so our brave men and women in uniform receive zip for health care when they get home!"

Weeping uncontrollably, Boehner nodded in agreement and cried, "Because that's just the kind of heartless bastards we really are! Where's my Cruella blankie??!!"