Elk do it—buck do it—even feisty caribou do it . . .
FTER KIEFER Sutherland's recent tussle at a Manhattan party during which the 24 star head-butted designer Jack McCullough, Sutherland's lawyer has proffered what is known as the "Rutting Defense" on behalf of his celebrity client.
"Obviously my client could not control his natural instincts," said Gerald Miller, the lead attorney representing Mr. Sutherland. "His primitive mind kicked in, realizing that Ms. Brooke Shields was being encroached upon by another male, and whammo, you've got instant elk. I bet he's growing a rack right now."
The Rutting Defense was drafted only recently as a response to the increasing number of men who are settling disputes by butting heads together, much like male elk do when competing for female attention during the mating season.
Said Mr. Miller, "I intend to argue to the judge that my client acted in perfect accord with accepted male rutting behavior. Just because it's behavior that has only been accepted up to now for our four-legged friends doesn't mean we should stop there. I believe we're better than that.
"We don't throw elk in jail for locking racks, do we?" continued Mr. Miller. "Nor should we penalize Mr. Sutherland for his elkness. I would argue it is cruelty to animals. In fact, I think PETA would be very interested in this case."
Some observers have suggested that Kiefer Sutherland and Jack McCullough should go head to head, as it were, in a rematch, with Brooke Shields presiding over the manly contest. The actress and Colgate spokeswoman has said she would be more than willing to mate with whoever emerged victorious.
"Of course, I'd be happy to," confirmed Ms. Shields by telephone. "Especially since my teeth are as white and bright as they can be, and my breath as fresh as a field of mint, thanks to daily brushing with Colgate toothpaste. I wouldn't mate without it."
© 5.11.09 Kate Heidel
