Scientists Hard At Work Creating Monologues for New Lab-Grown Vaginas

New skills required for the creative process.

Scientists examine a graph
photo credit: Linda Bartlett

ITH THE ADVENT of the first-ever vagina created in a lab, scientists are working around the clock to write appropriate monologues for the high-tech body part.

One scientist on the project admitted, "I didn't go into science to engage in creative writing, but my colleagues and I feel it is incumbent upon us to provide women who receive our synthetic vagina the same quality of monologues that other women enjoy."

To save time, lab space has been reconfigured as a creative-writing instructional space to get rusty scientists up to speed on the use of metaphor. One scientist has already claimed a breakthrough.

"I was able to write from the synthetic vaginal perspective for the very first time in yesterday's session," he said, smiling.

Admitting he had "never felt more intimidated in my twenty-two years in medicine," the researcher said he now felt confident he could "contribute at least one monologue that would make any lab-grown vagina proud."

A full complement of monologues for the synthetic vagina is scheduled for release in early summer, and will be tested in playhouses around the U.S. as a prerequisite for F.D.A. approval.

The scientists admit to experiencing playwright jitters ahead of the summer performances, noting as one researcher did, "women who pack their own vaginas are going to be our toughest audience. However," he added, "we need to know whether we got it right."