How to Not Grope a Person: Our Illustrated Guide

And if you find our guide helpful, keep your eyes peeled in 2018 for our supplemental webinars!

photo credit: Richard North

OUR BUSY LIFE is chock full of challenges: getting that project in under deadline, for instance, or buying just the right housewarming gift. But perhaps nothing in our daily lives presents more of a challenge than not groping the people we meet day to day. After all, they’re standing right there! How are you not supposed to grope them?? And yet the insistent urge to handle others appears to come loaded with what experts call "consequences," such as divorce, job loss, or even jail time. Who knew?!

So, if you would prefer to remain employed, largely unincarcerated, or at least able to to gain entry to your home using your current set of keys, look no further than our instructive "Illustrated Guide to Not Groping a Person."

In just the span of one short reading session, our guide will teach you:

- How—using our revolutionary anti-groping tools CommonSense™ and CommonCourtesy™—to move seamlessly from an irresistible urge to grope, say, someone’s private buttocks, to extending your arm in the universal signal for "Handshake" (Figure 1). We guarantee almost instant results. For example, the people you meet will no longer appear desperate to wriggle free of your Pepé Le Pew grip! (Figure 2, courtesy of Warner Bros.)

- How to choose from a wide variety of greeting options that will substitute quite effectively for your previous greet-and-grope repertoire. For example, saying "Hi" while giving a little wave (Figure 3) turns out to be a very popular choice of casual greeting for someone you’ve just met. You see? You’re already on your way to not squeezing the, for example, bosoms of another!

- How to navigate an entire social event without groping a single person. Does that sound impossible? It's not! You will learn why engaging in small talk, or even lapsing into awkward silences, is far preferable to asking a virtual stranger to meet you in the bathroom when no one is looking. Think of all the meals you will enjoy to completion, or the movies you'll see right to the end!

And if you find our guide helpful, keep your eyes peeled in 2018 for our supplemental webinars. Each month, we will attempt to interview a groping luminary from the world of the arts, business, sports, or politics, to illustrate how shooting yourself in the foot is pretty much anyone’s game.

At the moment, all of our potential interview subjects are either uncannily busy at exactly the dates and times we suggest, or suffering from a mysterious form of amnesia related strictly to groping. But we’re nothing if not persistent! Stay tuned.