Newcomer enjoys teaching everyone three-dimensional chess and relativity.
ATHER THAN completely shut down its hit show Two and a Half Men, CBS has announced that it will revamp the highly rated program by replacing troubled star Charlie Sheen with Watson, the polished and drug-free Jeopardy! computer on special loan from I.B.M.
"We are delighted to welcome the brilliant computer Watson into our prime-time lineup," said Leslie Moonves, President of CBS, in a prepared statement. "Watson has indicated with an attractive blue light signal that he looks forward to entertaining our loyal viewers, which he calculates will rise .2 percent at the mere news of his arrival, regardless of his actual performance."
In its debut episode, Watson has precious little time to search its vast database to locate the perfect gift for Alan's new girlfriend while simultaneously troubleshooting the broken dishwasher by writing a user manual despite insufficient inputs from Berta, the prickly housekeeper.
According to Executive Producer Chuck Lorre, "Our live studio audience was doubled over as Watson produced no fewer than 307 gift ideas for Alan's girlfriend Misty within the given dollar estimate, as well as their comparative prices at ten different internet vendors, and the statistical range of Misty's positive responses illustrated in attractive pie, bar, and scatter charts. I just about had a cow myself. And he fixed the dishwasher!!"
Lorre added that Watson's comic timing "was perfect, as you might expect. He is just the consummate professional, unlike some drunken, crazed humans I know."
Writers for One and a Half Men and a Computer are not revealing whether Watson will be given any love interests to juggle like its predecessor Sheen. However, a guest appearance on Jeopardy! with the three principal actors is not out of the question.
Said Mr. Moonves, "Watson calculates the comic possibilities at close to infinite, when you factor out Alex Trebek."
© 3.8.11 Kate Heidel