Nothing says "thanks for taking the heat off me" quite like a gal you've deleted from your cell.
OLF CHAMP and marriage therapy veteran Tiger Woods—greatly relieved now that Sandra Bullock's straying husband, Jesse James, has redirected the infidelity spotlight onto himself—is rumored to have sent James one of his favorite cocktail hostesses by special courier as a gesture of appreciation.
A spokeswoman for Mr. Woods, who would identify herself only as Brandywine, would not confirm or deny the rumor except to say, "Mr. Woods is a very discerning gentleman when it comes to the finer things in life. I'm sure whatever he may have sent to Jesse James would be of the highest quality. I know I personally had to audition—I mean interview—at least three times before Mr. Woods retained my services."
Tiger Woods is currently preparing for this week's Augusta National, his first tournament since the scandal surrounding his numerous sexual affairs erupted last November. Mr. Woods' caddy, who would identify herself only as Silky, says, "Tiger is most grateful to Mr. James for proving that lots of other famous men can misbehave badly. And when they are naughty, some of us would know exactly what punishments to mete out. Mr. Woods, on the other hand, has been a very good boy—I mean husband—of late, so I am pleased to act as his completely legitimate caddy for this exciting tournament."
People for Jesse James say they are not acknowledging receipt of any gift, "animal, vegetable, or mineral" from Tiger Woods.
"We have not asked for, nor will we accept, any cocktail hostesses from Mr. Woods," reads a statement prepared for the media. "Jesse James is devastated to have discovered that he went to bed with not one, not two, not three, but at least four or more women who shockingly turned out not to be his lovely wife Sandra Bullock."
The statement continues, "Our client was not aware of his infidelity until he realized that the woman in his arms was covered in tattoos like a circus freak. Still in shock, Mr. James awoke at least three more times to find someone other than his lovely wife, Sandra Bullock, inexplicably sharing his bed.
"Mr. James wishes to express his sincere appreciation to Tiger Woods," the statement concludes, "however, a cocktail hostess at this time would only distract our client from his diligent work in marriage therapy. If Mr. Woods would like to offer any counsel in that field of endeavor, Mr. James would be most grateful."
Meanwhile, to get in tip-top shape for his return to pro golf, Tiger is intensifying his daily workouts with the help of a brand-new personal trainer, known only as Tawny.
"Tiger Woods is in the best shape of his life, believe me," insists Tawny. "I mean, because I'm his completely legitimate trainer."
© 4.5.10 Kate Heidel
