Reporters at White House extremely "happy" to be fully "informed."
photo credit: via Wikimedia Commons
RESIDENT BARACK Obama, who has redefined "leaks to the media" to mean "espionage," gave a gathering of White House reporters a few examples of what some other words now mean.
"Here's just one change, which I think is for the better,” the President began. “When the National Security Agency cares enough to keep records of every email and phone call of billions of people in the U.S. and around the world, that's not 'spying' in the old sense of the word; it's 'protecting' in the new sense," Mr. Obama helpfully explained.
"However, if you commit espionage by harming the American people into knowing that we're protecting them and our international friends, that's treason," he added.
President Obama's "Insider Threat" program, which compels federal coworkers to watch each other closely for any signs that might indicate a threat to national security, has become the inspiration for even more word re-definitions.
For example, "marital problems" now means "incorrigible employee who just might blow us up to smithereens."
Similarly, the new meaning of "having a bad day" is "red flag for hopping a plane to Moscow with State secrets."
In Congress, legislation is currently being drafted that will redefine the word "secret" itself to mean "fluffy rabbits."
Meet the Press host David Gregory, who on last Sunday's show appeared eager to have Glenn Greenwald arrested for covering the Edward Snowden leaks story, said he was "completely comfortable knowing that our government is keeping fluffy rabbits behind closed doors. We don't want those fluffy rabbits getting run over, now, do we?"
President Obama concluded his remarks by insisting "there is absolutely nothing for the American people to be concerned about." However, he declined to comment on what "nothing" now meant.
© 6.26.13 Kate Heidel