President would need only one additional miracle to be considered for sainthood.
photo credit: Niki Gango
N THE NEWS that the Massachusetts State Treasurer discovered two Comcast refund checks owed to President Barack Obama, the Vatican immediately began preparations for reviewing the refund checks as potential miracles.
"We did not need these extraordinary events to be formally submitted," said a Vatican official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "The awe-inspiring nature of Comcast issuing refund checks speaks for itself," he explained.
The two checks, valued at $156.23 each, are considered so impossible to attain "as to be miraculous," said the Vatican official. "That there are two of them, and that they are perfectly identical, makes one feel one is in the presence of the divine," he said.
"But I am, as you say 'jumping the gun'," he added. "Comcast can always rescind the refunds, now that we have discovered them. That is the usual path."
However, the likelihood that Comcast will retract refunds for a sitting U.S. President is considered quite low, indicating to the Vatican that Mr. Obama is two-thirds of the way toward sainthood.
"Only one more miracle is required of the president," explained the Vatican official. "This means that Mr. Obama could become St. Barack. He would have his own saint's day, and Catholics could pray for his intercession on matters relating to cable, which, as we all know, truly could use a saint's special powers," he said.
The White House has not issued a comment on the Vatican's Comcast miracle review process, but insiders have suggested what may be under consideration for the third miracle.
One anonymous source said the possibilities included "keeping a straight face when assuring reporters that the NSA is not spying on Americans" and "persuading the First Lady to lose the bangs."
© 8.22.13 Kate Heidel