Octomom Signs on to Be Surrogate Mother for Neanderthal Baby

"I would just love twins!" says Neandermom hopeful.

Homo neanderthalensis adult male - head model - Smithsonian Museum of Natural History - 2012-05-17
photo credit: Tim Evanson

HE HARVARD professor who put out a call in Der Spiegel magazine for an "extremely adventurous female human" to act as a surrogate mother for a Neanderthal baby says he already has "a firm commitment" from Nadya Suleman, better known to the public as Octomom.

Dr. George Church said he had "no sooner mentioned it" in the German publication when his office phone rang "and a very excited-sounding woman said, 'I'll carry your Neanderthal!' I didn't realize I was speaking to the mother of fourteen children," said the Harvard professor.

At first concerned about Ms. Suleman's ability to carry yet another child with the pressing needs of her current brood, Dr. Church said he was won over "by her fearlessness in the face of what will surely be nonstop press coverage. She told me she would 'somehow manage the burden of tons of publicity,'" he recalled.

Octomom, who says she prefers the new nickname "Neandermom," will be inseminated behind a curtain on the set of Maury Povich, who is used to verifying paternity for his many knocked-up guests. Dr. Church and a Notary Public will be on hand to witness and document the procedure.

If all goes as planned and the historic insemination results in pregnancy, Neandermom has agreed to appear as a guest on every talk show on earth until the baby is born.

"Only one baby?" said Neandermom. "I would just love twins!"

Oprah Winfrey has signed exclusive rights with financial expert Suze Orman to shame Neandermom together in a two-hour special to air on the Oprah Winfrey Network. The pair wish to follow up their highly rated shaming of the former Octomom a few years back on Winfrey's long-running talk show.

Ms. Winfrey, still thinking up more questions for Lance Armstrong, could not be reached for comment, but Ms. Orman said she was looking forward to "another chance to show my viewers how NOT to live yur life and spend yur money."