Woman on a Mission to Make Pundits Switch to Sewing Metaphors

Sometimes you just have to take a seam ripper to your pattern and start over!

photo credit: Mr.checker

ETERAN SEAMSTRESS Viola Lubnick, of Canton, Ohio, is reportedly "very frustrated indeed" over the constant use of sports metaphors employed by pundits commenting on world affairs.

"It's always 'full-court press' this and 'the whole nine yards' that. I don't even understand what you folks are talking about half the time!" exclaimed Mrs. Lubnick, expertly pinning her pattern to a blue paisley rayon/polyester blend.

With technical help from her oldest son, Jeremy, Viola Lubnick has started a blog called Sewing Metaphors for Life, which she claims is "almost as popular as regular-season baseball, at least among my friends and family."

Mrs. Lubnick asserts that her sewing metaphors are "just as catchy and relevant" as those of sports. Her blog offers numerous examples, arranged by topic. Says the spunky seamstress, "For starters, I want to hear Keith Olbermann try my metaphors on for size. I'll bet you buttons to bobbins he'll wish he'd used them sooner!"

For example, Sewing Metaphors for Life offers no fewer than two dozen examples to "add a little sparkle" to pundits' discussions of health-care reform. Two of the more popularly rated entries—garnering eight out of ten thimbles—are:

"Health-care delivery in the U.S. today is little more than a basted muslin shift that's expected to fit every dress form. Not gonna happen!"

and

"Our health-care spending is as wasteful as 35 yards of gold lamé off sale! Think polyester, people!"

On the cap-and-trade policy:

"Who's going to bother with darts when expensive implants just play havoc with silk? We've got to incentivize!"

And on the thorny issue of trade with China, Mrs. Lubnick and her sewing circle had a "grand old time," as evidenced by this nine-thimble favorite:

"You can keep the plain buttons that came with the coat, or you can sew on fancier ones to exhibit your personal flair. Then wait for China to blink."

"I admit we were getting a little controversial on that China business," blushed Mrs. Lubnick, "but once you get started with this international stuff, it's hard not to get carried away!"