Romney Unit Says Work Here Is Done, Will Return to Planet Stinking Rich

Wife unit "Ann" extremely eager to leave Earth behind.

Mitt Romney waving close up
photo credit: Gage Skidmore

EPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL candidate Mitt Romney, an alien life form from the planet Stinking Rich, has announced that he is giving up Earth's presidential race and returning home "where I can speak freely among my kind without incurring such wrath as I received from up to 47 percent of your pathetic earthlings located in the North American continent."

Romney, known on his home planet as R-bot Gazillion, admitted to ongoing issues with "natural-looking motions as I traversed the various campaign stages, waving and smiling like a humanoid." However, the campaign of the Stinking Rich alien took a decisively disastrous turn when R-bot spoke freely about the American people, betraying his other-worldly status to the point of no return.

"Perhaps I was just too homesick for Stinking Rich," said R-bot. "Its pull is quite strong. I mean that literally, because my planet's gravitational force is twice that of Earth," he added, laughing mechanically.

"Oh," said R-bot, "I no longer must laugh and wave like a foolish Earthling. What a tremendous relief it is for me and my mating unit, the one you call 'Ann,'" R-bot said. "Perhaps I will not need this oil can now. You may offer it to John McCain."

R-bot's mating unit, known back home as A-bot Gazillia, was already shutting down her humanoid systems and was no longer smiling constantly "in that way your females are required to do when affiliated as a 'Republican,'" said R-bot.

"I was beginning to think she would never return to normal operations," said R-bot. "I don't know how Republican males withstand their mating units' behavior modules without exploding," he said. "Perhaps the large amounts of currency help here as they do on Stinking Rich."