Nervous Investors Bite Nails, Startle Easily

Just put down that noisemaker!

ERVOUS INVESTORS, who are evidently a very skittish bunch according to frequent news reports on the financial sector, are asking clients and reporters alike to please refrain from sneaking up behind them and shouting "Boo!" They have also requested that people not make any other sudden noises, such as popping bubble wrap, paper bags, or aggressive wads of bubblegum.

"We just don't like people trying to scare the living daylights out of us," explained nervous investor Stanley Holmes of Edgewater, New Jersey. "Oh my God! What was that?!" started Stanley, after a microwave beeped in the nearby break room.

Nervous investors are also seeking cooperation from the public in the "fireworks department," asking that the explosion of such devices be limited "to the appropriate Fourth of July celebrations only" and not "random weekends in the backyard when you have nothing better to do."

Apparently, investors—even more nervous than usual due to the recent financial crisis—have historically displayed striking similarities to trembling Mayberry Deputy Barney Fife.

"Yep, I've been on the finance beat for 35 years," said newspaper reporter Jack Beattie, "and they're what I would call your Nervous Nellies. They've never liked surprise parties, jack in the boxes, or snakes in the can. I dunno—seems like they're kind of a bunch of party poopers, if you ask me."

Even so, nervous investors are coming out full bore against not just loud party favors, but all manner of practical joke as well. Financial lobbyists on Capitol Hill have been working around the clock to insert language into the health-reform bill that will make it illegal for celebrity punker Ashton Kutcher to get within three miles of a nervous investor. The bill is nicknamed "Nervous TMZ."

"Just keep that crazy Ashton Kutcher the hell away from me!" exclaimed nervous investor Jake Burnside, who claims he's on valium until the bill passes, "Please, God. That man's a complete maniac!!"