Tom DeLay First Honed Moves on 'Dancing with Saipanese Sweatshop Labor'

The Hammer's a dirty dancer, there's no doubt about it.

ORMER U.S. House Leader Tom DeLay's entrance as a contestant in the latest season of "Dancing with the Stars" does not come as a surprise to his former dance partner, Marylynn Naputi, in the Northern Mariana islands' own blockbuster dance competition, typically translated as "Dancing with Saipanese Sweatshop Labor."

Mr. DeLay visited the U. S. Commonwealth capital city of Saipan in the late '90s while on a public-relations junket with his friend and convicted felon, former lobbyist Jack Abramoff. Saipan's sweatshop industry, notorious for substandard working conditions, received glowing reviews from Masters DeLay and Abramoff, who had coincidentally received complimentary luxury dining and hotel accommodations while in the Marianas.

No one in Saipan was surprised, then, to see Mr. DeLay on stage when "Dancing with Saipanese Sweatshop Labor" began holding auditions for their first season last year. And, as luck would have it, the show's director waived Mr. DeLay's audition after the former Congressman put in a few more good words about "Saipan's perfectly safe and unoppressive factories, which are the Mariana's shining jewels of capitalism."

Said Ms. Naputi, currently hospitalized for exhaustion, dehydration, and malnourishment, "Master DeLay was a powerful, demanding partner, who perfected many dances with me long into the evening. As I worked 80 hours each week sewing in a glorious shirt factory, I did not have much time to practice, but still we did manage to be in the final three couples before I collapsed. I heard that Master DeLay was most displeased with me, but as I was unconscious at the time, I do not know if this story is true."

Mr. DeLay's current trainer, Jack Draper, says that his client's preparation for the U. S. mainland's "Dancing with the Stars" has been "far more rigorous, given that his partner will be in the normal weight range for a properly nourished female.

"Yeah, The Hammer's used to throwing an 85-pound gal from one end of the dance floor to the other," continued Mr. Draper, "so he's got a challenge in front of him. But he's all about conquering adversity."