Other nominees didn't come close to Newt's poopy score.
ITH AWARDS season in full swing, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich walked away with the coveted Lifetime Poopy Award at last evening's Poopy People Awards gala held in Los Angeles.
According to its charter, the Lifetime Poopy Award "recognizes a lifetime of excellence in poopy endeavors in the artistic, scientific, political, or media spheres."
Adorable Uggie the dog, the Jack Russell famed for his silent tour de pooch performance in The Artist, presented the award by dropping it at Gingrich's feet and gnawing the Republican's ankle until being forcibly removed by handlers. Uggie was not harmed during the removal, according to the ASPCA, however Mr. Gingrich required twelve stitches.
Limping toward his limousine, Gingrich thanked the PPA "for recognizing excellence in a domain I practically invented. I am so proud to be a Poopy recipient, and I shall strive to be a total poop every day for the rest of my life, no matter how many wives 'poop out' on me along the way."
Gingrich was nominated in every PPA category except Most Promising Poopy Female Broadcaster for 2012, which went to CNN's Isha Sesay, hailed for "not giving a poop about news while still managing to maintain lustrous hair under punishing studio lights."
This being an election year, several other PPA winners also came from the ranks of current or would-be office holders.
Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was the clear favorite to win Crazy Poop of the Year, and did not disappoint. During her acceptance speech Bachmann thanked her husband, her thirty-seven "or whatever it is" foster children, and baby Jesus, who, she claimed, helped her decide what to wear to the awards.
"Blue is baby Jesus's favorite color!" chirped the Congresswoman as she was gently led off stage to an awaiting van.
Rick Perry took top honors in the Dumb As Poopy category, and the award for Horn Dawg Poop went to Herman Cain, who accepted his statue but denied allegations of inappropriate behavior.
Governor Perry, who could not attend due to pressing executions, asked Mr. Cain to remember any awards on his behalf.
© 2.2.12 Kate Heidel