Dick Cheney Will Appear On This Old House To Build Undisclosed Location

Date and Time of Airing As Yet Undisclosed

ICK CHENEY'S office announced that the Vice President had completed filming a segment for This Old House in which he demonstrates for homeowners how to build an undisclosed location all their own. Some Pentagon sources have suggested the segment was inspired by the Vice President's brush with a suicide bomb blast during his visit to Afghanistan earlier this year.

Quoting a spokesman from the Vice President's office, "Mr. Cheney has long been mischaracterized as a secretive Vice President who is not in touch with the lives of average Americans. We are confident that Mr. Cheney's appearance on This Old House will go a long way toward dispelling that myth.

"I would also point out that the Vice President's appearance on This Old House—a production of Public Television and thus the recipient of federal funding—demonstrates Mr. Cheney's enthusiastic support of public broadcasting."

Reporters asking for an air date of the segment were told by Mr. Cheney's spokesman that "we can only say that the piece will potentially air somewhere in the 2007 - 2008 timeframe. To be any more specific could compromise the Vice President's security. Let us not forget that Mr. Cheney is only one defibrillated heartbeat away from the Presidency."

When reminded that the segment had been prerecorded, Cheney's spokesman replied, "Our enemies are a cunning group of highly trained extremists. This is just the sort of irresponsible media over-reporting that delights those who would do us harm."

Producers of the long-running home renovation program were not able to shed light on the reported Cheney appearance.

Said one assistant producer, "We were told of the White House announcement you refer to, but there's no evidence that the Vice President was involved in construction of an undisclosed location using our staff or equipment."

Norm Abram, master carpenter for This Old House, was asked if anyone on the program or staff possessed the technical know-how to build an actual undisclosed location.

"Heck if I know," replied Mr. Abram. "But if hammers and nails are involved, I'm there."