"What the Hell is wrong with you people?!" thunders the Lord of Hosts.
REAT GOD ALMIGHTY, reported to have grown "completely sick and tired" of the recent trend in people forgiving other people for horrendous crimes against themselves and their loved ones, is now "officially unforgiving" hundreds of transgressors He claims have been "wrongly excused by those of My flock who have apparently lost their ever-loving minds."
"First of all," He stated, "I'M the one who gets to do the forgiving around here. A few million humans appear to have overlooked that little factoid. Precisely what part of 'GOD' don't you understand?"
The Lord claims that most people underestimate the work involved in getting someone "anywhere near the point of being forgivable." He likened it to "thinking you can run a marathon because you walk your dog around the block once a day while smoking a cigarette.
"I don't just pass out forgiveness like some guy on the street handing out free packets of Skittles," stressed Jehovah. "You have to know you did a bad thing—you have to feel it in your gut. This is what we in the business call 'empathy.' Can you spell 'empathy'? Can you even pronounce it?
"Then you have to say 'I'm sorry,' real convincing-like," said Yahweh. "If you think I can't tell when you're faking it, you are so not remembering Sunday School."
The Almighty plans to "blanket unforgive" all major crimes that victims have "illegally excused" and then "work backwards through property crimes and identity theft.
"Do you know how long it takes to get your identity back these days? Unforgivable."
Initially God had been contacting victims personally to inform them of what He's calling His "Forgiveness Reversal Initiative," but has thought better of the direct approach.
"I talked to one lady through her E! channel recently, who survived being shot by her ex, but now she's on anti-psychotic medication for hallucinating Me. I figure, these people have been through enough already, and times have changed since I used to chat with Jeanne d'Arc over mead."
© 6.23.09 Kate Heidel
