Even the remotest possibility sends millions of Americans over the edge.
INCE THE idea was floated in the news last week of there being a Palin-Bachmann presidential ticket in 2012, doctors around the U.S. have not been able to keep pace with the sudden surge of patients demanding to be placed on anti-anxiety medication.
The U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Regina Benjamin, immediately released a statement to quell a national panic:
"We wish to assure the American people that every possible measure is being taken to equip physicians all across the U.S. with ample supplies of anti-anxiety medication. We pledge to fully meet the needs of those suffering from acute anxiety over hearing the news of a possible presidential ticket of two Republican women whose names, in the interest of maintaining an environment conducive to mental health, we will not mention here."
Dr. Benjamin's statement went on to say that Americans "can rest easy knowing that we take this national crisis as seriously as any other pandemic, such as the recent H1N1 outbreak, and that we will, in concert with clinics and other medical facilities, ensure that no American seeking relief from crippling anxiety will be denied treatment until the crisis passes: that is, until there is absolutely no risk of you-know-who and you-know-who in 2012, or any other year."
To facilitate stocking the enormous quantities of valium, xanax, quaaludes, and other anti-anxiety medication required during the national possible-election-ticket emergency, neighboring Canada has vowed to provide its already lower-priced drugs at a special "Palin-Bachmann Discount" rate.
Said Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, "Since much of your health-reform bill will not be in effect until long after this disaster period of national panic has passed, we want to be good neighbors to our suffering friends south of the border. Therefore, we are funneling no fewer than 100 million units of our most powerful doses of a host of anti-anxiety drugs directly to United States clinics. You're going to need them."
Even the U.S. trade embargo with Cuba is being temporarily lifted, since Michael Moore proved in his documentary, Sicko, that Cuba gives drugs to Americans visiting by outboard motor boat dirt cheap. "Even cheaper by prop plane into Florida," confirmed Mr. Moore by telephone, adding, "Please hurry."
The Surgeon General concluded her statement by promising temporary relief measures "until every American who needs medication is properly dosed and relaxed as overcooked asparagus."
Among the measures cited are temporary panic rooms in offices and malls around the country, "where people can come together and hyperventilate"; designated green spaces for rolling around on the grass "with no fear of arrest for acting crazy"; and free catnip, "which passes for marijuana if you use your imagination."
© 04.14.10 Kate Heidel