Congress: 'We Serve the American People, Until Citigroup Wants Something'

President Obama adds, "Let us not forget about JPMorgan Chase."

Capitol Building Full View
photo credit: Noclip, via Wikimedia Commons

N THE HEELS OF the House and Senate's passage of the government funding bill, which allows big banks to engage in high-risk practices while ensuring that Americans will foot the bill for another financial crisis, Congress and President Obama released separate statements hailing the legislation.

A spokeswoman for the Congress said, "This legislation in favor of the big banks was necessary because it was part of the appropriations bill. It was part of the appropriations bill because Citigroup drafted the wording and told Congress to put it in the bill," the statement began.

"We, the members of Congress—Democrats and Republicans alike who voted for this bill—would like to remind our constituents that we serve the American people, until Citigroup wants something," the statement continued. "Then we serve Citigroup. Capiche?"

Shortly after the statement was released to the press, President Obama convened a press conference and read from his prepared follow-up statement regarding the new legislation.

"The appropriations bill I have just signed into law ensures that the U. S. government will not shut down," began Mr. Obama. "Instead, Congress will keep its doors open, so that lobbyists can walk through those doors and pay members of Congress to insert legislation at will.

"That is what America is all about," said Mr. Obama.

"Equally important," he added, "it is something Congress and I can finally agree on."

"However," the President continued, "I don't believe Congress went far enough. Let us not forget about JPMorgan Chase."

House Speaker John Boehner expressed fake relief that the bill had passed, then chuckled.

"I knew all along we'd pass the thing," he smiled.

Explaining his confidence, the House Speaker said, "Naturally, my fellow Republicans are a slam-dunk for Citigroup. But most Democrats are their bitches, too."