Congress Passes Second, Itty-Bitty Health Care Reform for Republicans Only

They got just what they asked for.

ATHER THAN repeal the sweeping health-care legislation just signed into law by President Obama, Congress has decided that simply drafting a much-shorter version for disgruntled Republicans would be, as Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid put it, "a piece of cake."

The new legislation, effective immediately, "because there's precious little in it," according to Senator Reid, contains the following, easy-to-absorb provisions:

Pre-Existing Conditions

You, your family, your pets, and your Republican friends will not be able to purchase health insurance at any price, for any reason, if you have a pre-existing condition. As it was before the Democrat Socialist bill, everything that includes breathing is once again a pre-existing condition.

Copays, Coinsurance, Deductibles, Annual Caps, Lifetime Caps

The first three, being unregulated for you, will continue to go up, up and away without justification. The second two, being unregulated for you, will go down, down, down. How high and how low? That's for us to know and for you to find out, sucker.


We can once again pull you off our insurance rolls whenever we damn well feel like it. Example #1: You get cancer of anything. We'll cut you off at the knees, and it'll feel so good. Example #2: You get heart disease. O-U-T. But, hey, you're one foot in the grave anyway, right? Example #3: How stupid are you? You get sick, you're out. But, really, do you actually want to live in our world? You do? Chump.

Children 19 and Older

Whatever insurance you might have, they don't anymore. Too bad. They're such brats anyway, what do you care? We know we don't. You should've thought about this years ago, and used birth control.

Birth Control

Not covered. You can't spring for a packet of Trojans?

Annual Physicals

Not Covered. We'll send you some pretty pictures of smiling people taking walks and call it "complimentary health advice." Or you could start walking now and save us the trouble and printing costs.

Annual Screenings

Not covered. Head to your local free clinic where all the losers go. They give out free birth control, too, by the way. Sorry, didn't mean to be helpful. We'll get that wording struck out in reconciliation.

Prescription Drugs

Yeah, but only some, and usually not the ones your doctor recommends. That's on purpose, because we love it when we make you fill out special authorization forms and then deny you anyway. What a riot!

Because no time is required to implement the Republican-Only Non-Affordable Care Act, Republicans will see immediate changes in their coverage.

"Thank the Lord!" declared one Republican mother of a gravely-ill, week-old infant. "I can finally rest easy knowing my little baby has a pre-existing condition and won't be smothered by nanny-state health coverage. And now my family is free to hold a bake sale and a car wash to raise the $210,000 we owe on our hospital bill without being trampled by the Federal Government. God Bless the Republican Party!"