Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential

Have billions of burgers really been served?

California Whopper
photo credit: joo0ey

HE NATURE OF reality has been cast into doubt ever since Montana District Judge G. Todd Baugh instructed a fast-food worker to get a "real job."

"I always thought I had a real job," said 21-year-old Burger King employee Brandon Turrell. "But if I don't, it kind of makes me wonder how I've been getting by all this time."

A Burger King executive pondered the judge's observation.

"Maybe all this time we've been holding so much more than just the pickle and the lettuce. Special orders. Special orders of what, I have to ask."

Then a McDonald's vice-president chimed in.

"If there's no job, then there's no meal. And if there's no meal, how could it possibly be a 'happy' one? What is happiness, after all??" he asked.

Fast-food suppliers, understandably nervous in light of the existential crisis that has emerged since the judge's comments, are trying to downplay the uncertainties expressed by the industry's top brass.

"Now and then this sort of thing crops up in fast food," said one beef farmer. "'What is real?' 'What is the nature of existence?' It's just part of doing business. You can't let it get to you," he said.

As for Brandon, he says he'll continue working at Burger King "as long as their checks don't bounce, which, if they ever do, I guess that would tell me they're probably not real anymore."