Charities Offer Donald Trump $5 Million 'If He Will Just Shut up Already'

Sometimes ignoring isn't enough.

Donald Trump
photo credit: Gage Skidmore

 GROUP OF U.S. charities has moved swiftly to counter Donald Trump's offer to pay $5 million to the charity of President Obama's choice if the President will release his college and passport records.

The charities released a united statement offering "to pool our resources and pay Mr. Trump $5 million if he promises not to speak further about President Obama's records—be they birth, college, passport, immunization, Fantasy Football, or anything else that might be construed as a record, have the word 'record' in it, or be stamped with an insignia that could lead one, if so inclined, to start thinking of it as a record.

"In short," the statement continued, "we are willing to match Donald Trump's cash offer if he will just shut up already."

The statement's authors conceded that the needs of the homeless and hungry "are dire, yes, but the despair Americans feel when they realize Donald Trump might keep talking about Mr. Obama's records indefinitely is worth $5 million if our combined efforts can alleviate this terrible scourge."

Ultimately the amount offered to Mr. Trump may be much greater, however, since other organizations have eagerly jumped on board to match the charities' funds in hopes of silencing The Donald for all time.

Comic Relief is hosting "Put A Sock in It," and George Clooney has promised to emcee the first "and hopefully last" annual "Stand Up 2 Donald" telethon.

The National Football League has also joined forces and will sell sand-colored fright wigs at concession stands during every football game in the regular season. All wig proceeds will go toward "Shut the Trump Up."

The real-estate mogul and co-creator of Celebrity Apprentice could not be reached for comment, a hopeful sign.