Every Eleven Seconds a Teenager Dies of, Like, Total Embarrassment

Silent metaphorical killer no respecter of anything that totally matters.

HE SENATE Select Committee on Teen Health invited a panel of, like, a dozen teens to testify about their harrowing experiences with Total Embarrassment? Senator Dianne Feinstein, who is really old and chairs the committee, said that the goal of the hearing was "to prevent needless social humiliations for our teens, so that they may enter adulthood with their self esteem intact." Whatever.

Each young person had like 20 minutes to testify? And a synopsis of two of the hottest testimonies was prepared after the hearing for the skanky press:

Britney, age 15: "So, like, I guess I'm supposed to be hot cause everyone says? And I SHOULD be going out with Brett, the hottest guy you've ever seen? . . . we were just talking at the party, like nothing weird or anything . . . Ohmigod! . . . not for a week, he didn't call me for like ONE WEEK!! . . . I thought I was going to, like, die a thousand deaths or whatever? Jana's in class, going, 'Brett's ignoring you, you're not so hot' . . . my hair is now smokin' hot, you bitch, check it out . . . but like, it really sucked, and I'll never be the same?"

Jared, age 16: "Yeah, so I had like three cans of Red Bull before class? . . . so I raise my hand to ask the teacher if I can head to the can, sorry, the REST ROOM . . . he's not callin' on me, and I'm like, DUDE, the HAND . . . my dad can hold it for like 36 hours but my mom, she's like a freakin' Chihuahua, so I got her bladder I guess . . . then it was like too late, ladies and gentlemen, Nature called . . . the guys are laughin' and pointin' . . . then this one chick pretends to faint, cause she's in the drama club or whatever . . . "

After the testimony, that extremely olden lady Senator said something like, "We were all really moved, OK? And I hope that we've all learned why teens should be heard and stuff. Sadly, I do think Brett should have called Britney sooner, because I would say that she is very hot, because if I were her age, I would totally hate her guts."