Study Finds Most Americans Not Deserving of Health Care

Double or Nothing You Don't Pass Muster, Bet the Experts

INDINGS IN A landmark study of Worthiness conducted by the National Institutes of Health reveal that the vast majority of Americans really don't deserve health care, even if they are currently receiving it through their employer's benefit plan.

Lead investigator Dr. William Jameson III summarized the findings for a group of reporters gathered at NIH headquarters in Bethesda, Maryland.

"What we discovered," began Dr. Jameson, "is that most of our subjects scored well below the mean on almost all of our Worthiness scales."

"Subjects were measured on the following attributes: height, facial attractiveness, physical fitness, what we call 'vocal pleasure'—that is, do you sound like a radio announcer or Roseann Barr—wittiness, and, naturally, fashion sense."

Dr. Jameson continued, "Our investigators found that 73% of our subjects scored low enough to place them squarely into at least one of the four most common classifications of Unworthiness: Fat, Ugly, Short, and Dull as a Butter Knife. Another 31% were less disgustingly unworthy, but no more worthy on the whole. They expressed deficiencies such as minor acne, not quite the brightest smile—for which there is no excuse, given the products on the market today—and a preference for the lesser sports, such as broomball and spelunking."

When a reporter at the news conference asked Dr. Jameson why his study percentages added up to 104, the scientist replied that the results were "so robust that they blew the lid off 100%."

Added Dr. Jameson, "Our findings render academic the question of health-care availability as a moral issue. We hope to put the so-called health-care crisis into its proper context. That is, have most of you looked in the mirror lately?"

"Quite so," concurred Dr. Elizabeth Raines, co-author of the study, and one of the women featured in this month's Playboy pictorial, "Doctors We'd Love to Examine."

"We even eliminated a near-babe from consideration," noted Dr. Raines, "when she answered 'Not Sure' to the question, 'If you are female, would you consider breast implants to improve your appearance?' She also kind of snorted when she giggled. Poor thing."