BYOB, but he'll provide the ice.
ENATOR JOHN MCCAIN, known for his folksy "my friends" tag all throughout the presidential campaign, is making good on that salutation by inviting everyone whom he's ever called "my friend" over for a festive pig roast next Tuesday night, starting at 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
McCain, taking time out from the exhausting work of the campaign, says he's known for roasting "one mean pig," and is "greatly looking forward to having all my friends over to the house" for a casual evening of "the only kind of pork I really like: the dead, roasted variety."
Cindy McCain is cooking up approximately one ton of her famous "Cindy's Sizzling Barbeque Sauce," as well as spiced pickles and corn on the cob for "about 150 million or so." With a hint of pride in her voice, Mrs. McCain says that she has prepared for the dinner "almost completely on my own," noting that half her staff of 300 were on call "at our other six homes," being that "our American domestics are the hardest working bunch in the entire darn world."
Mrs. McCain requested that, in addition to their beverage of choice, "maybe 50,000 of our guests could bring a nice big dessert, and that should cover it." She suggested such easy-to-prepare yummies as "quick stovetop mousse for 3,000" or just 500 gallons of vanilla ice cream. "We've got all the fixins for sundaes," winked Mrs. McCain.
In the event that a few Obama supporters show up due to having been at a McCain rally and inadvertently addressed as "my friends," a separate table will be set up well away from the main group. The "Terrorist Table" of Obama supporters will be served beef jerky and gruel.
"We don't want to leave anyone out," noted Cindy McCain, "but I'm afraid I have to draw the line somewhere. And no ice cream."
© 2008 Kate Heidel