Boehner Says Voter Message Is Loud and Clear: 'Make Me Your Bitch!'

Americans celebrate future in which they are free to become old street people.

EPRESENTATIVE John Boehner, poised to take the mantle of Speaker in the U.S. House, said that Tuesday's midterm elections "sent a very loud message" that he and his Republican colleagues "are translating into policy" even before the new Congress convenes next January.

The Minority Leader said, "I'm actually hearing several urgent messages, not just one" from American voters, and assured reporters that "no stone will be left unturned," in his party's dedication "to the will of the American people."

Among the messages Boehner says he has heard loud and clear are:

"I demand that you make savage cuts to my Social Security so I can become an old street person if I'm stupid enough to ever retire!"

"Whatever you do, don't give me health insurance if I have a pre-existing condition!"

"Because if I have health insurance, I may not go into foreclosure, and I really deserve to!"

"Please, please don't extend my unemployment benefits! If the jobs aren't there, I'd rather starve to death than take one more dollar!"

"Oh, God, please don't regulate the credit card industry! I need to know that I can be slapped with multiple high fees without notice or limits!"

"I can't stand knowing that the FDA could issue any more food safety violations! I'd rather die writhing on the kitchen floor from tainted eggs! And I mean that!!"

These and other similar messages, promised Boehner, "will not go unheeded when Republicans take control of the House. We've heard you, and we intend to act on every one of your suggestions," promised the ultra-tanned congressman.

"And if the voters have anything else they'd like to tell us," Boehner added, "please be sure to vote for the Republican presidential candidate in 2012. Because together, we can make all your dreams a reality."