Gone-to-seed leader wistful for the days of looking fly in uniform.
IBYA'S MILITARY leader Muammar Qaddafi, whose disheveled and bloated appearances of late regularly make the fashion "don't" lists the world over, has recently dedicated much of his rants to recalling the early days of his rule, when, he says, "I was the hottest thing in uniform!" and "could make the women swoon with my sculpted arms and fabulous cheekbones!"
Women old enough to remember the formerly hot military officer concur, if somewhat reluctantly.
"Qaddafi was truly handsome, although still quite evil, it is true," said one Libyan woman who claimed to have "danced the night away with Muammar" as other would-be hangers on "looked upon us with great envy."
"He had the cheekbones of a super model!" said another woman behind a veil, her eyes tearing up. "Now he is a big fat pig of a man! Such a waste! We must overthrow him for that reason alone!!"
Qaddafi has taken to showing footage of what he calls "my hottest days as your sexy leader" from the beginning of his coup in 1969 to about 1975. Some citizens too young to have seen the hot version of their leader find themselves impressed in spite of their hatred for his past and current brutal tactics.
"I must admit, he was an impressive specimen of Libyan manhood," stated one rebel. "I myself could use those biceps in my efforts to destroy Qaddafi's evil regime. Now that I have seen the 'before' Qaddafi compared to the disgusting 'after' Qaddafi he has allowed himself to become, it will be easier for me to continue fighting until the very end."
The besieged and out-of-shape Libyan leader has also recently claimed to be on "the strictest weight loss and fitness program known to mankind" in order to reclaim his former physique. However, both fashionistas and Libyan citizens are quite skeptical that the brutal ruler possesses the willpower to return to anything like his early form.
Said one woman protester, "I am extremely doubtful that Qaddafi can do what he claims. How could he become that hot again, if he is so plump today, with his horrible double chin?"
Another woman, emboldened, piped in. "And it is not just the weight he thinks we do not notice under his unfashionable robes. What about his disgusting hair? Who would let it become so badly kept and poorly styled?? I do not believe Muammar Qaddafi can repair all these terrible things!"
Nevertheless, during a recent impromptu speech Qaddafi signed a pledge with the local chapter of Weight Watchers in front of a dwindling audience of loyalists, and promised to lose fifty pounds as well as "innumerable inches around the waist and hips." The Libyan leader further pledged that success would come "in plenty of time" for 2011's fortieth "Qaddafi Day" on July 1st.
© 4.6.11 Kate Heidel