Gingrich Won't Leave Race Unless It Shows Signs of Cancer or MS

"That would be my cue," says otherwise determined candidate.

LTHOUGH DEEPLY flagging in the delegate count, Republican Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich says only one thing would make him step down from the contest.

"If the 2012 Presidential race comes down with cancer or MS, that would be my cue: I am outta here," said Gingrich.

"Not only that," the candidate continued, "but I'll waste no time finding a younger, healthier race to run way behind in. The American people can count on me," Gingrich said. "Except for Americans with cancer or MS. Then get the hell away from me, I might catch something."

Callista Gingrich has also vowed to support her husband for the duration "as long as he needs me, which is for as long as I don't come down with cancer or MS. At least I know where I stand!" said the third Mrs. Gingrich.

While still in the Republican competition, Newt Gingrich has, however, completely stopped talking to Mitt Romney's wife, Ann, who has lived with MS for many years.

"As soon as I got wind of that, I thought, 'Ew,'" Mr. Gingrich said. "If she were my wife, I would be so divorced by now. The very least I can do is avoid that gal like the plague. Do you realize I've already shaken her hand like ten times before someone told me?"

Gingrich has also put his entire staff and his short list of potential Vice Presidents on notice.

"If you want to work for my administration, or share the ticket with me, make sure you get a complete physical first," said Gingrich. "I don't have time to mess around."

Likewise, foreign leaders would also enter into a highly contingent relationship with a President Gingrich.

"Don't come crying to me about trade or NATO if you can put a check next to 'Cancer' or 'MS' on your doctor's health survey," Gingrich explained.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy dismissed the condition that world leaders be cancer- and MS-free as "a silly, silly rule from a man who is so behind in ze polls I am laughing!"

Sarkozy also said that Gingrich "must check ze boxes next to 'roly-poly man' and 'such a ridiculous haircut!'"