International body recommends the more humane waterboarding.
HE UNITED NATIONS today issued its most strongly worded formal condemnation to date against North Korea for what it called "the closed state's contemptible treatment of its dissident prisoners by forcing men, women, and even a few children to sit in a darkened theatre and be forcibly subjected to Sex and the City 2."
Intelligence snuck out of North Korea paints a grisly picture of broken prisoners, who, having never been subjected to Sex and the City 1, were therefore cruelly unprepared for the spectacle of four middle-aged white women uttering inane dialog while traipsing around the world in four-inch heels.
As if that weren't torture enough, word has it that the forced viewings come fully subtitled, "so that none of the pointless plot twists can escape the prisoners' minds, thus condemning these tortured dissidents to many years of post-traumatic stress."
Additionally, the U.N. claims that "no amount of free popcorn and Coca-Cola provided any mitigating effect whatsoever" on the horrors experienced in wide screen, noting, "we already knew this to be true, given reports from around the U.S. by those who inexplicably entered their local theatres uncoerced."
The U.N. is insisting that canisters of relief films be allowed into North Korea, "so that the arduous work of healing can begin as soon as possible." Shipments of such classics as Casablanca and From Here to Eternity are being rushed into Korean-subtitled versions so that tortured dissidents "might learn anew how to respond to decent acts of scripting and performance."
If North Korea permits the initial shipment of films into the country, the U.N. wishes "to provide follow-up humanitarian relief" with screwball comedy classics like The Philadelphia Story and also "lighthearted romantic comedies such as those featuring Meg Ryan, provided filming was completed before her plastic surgeries."
Explained one U.N. spokesman, "Our goal is to heal, not re-traumatize."
© 6.10.10 Kate Heidel