Same-Sex Couple Makes History, Celebrates First Gay Divorce

photo credit: J. Stephen Conn

ECENTLY WED same-sex couple John S. and Bradley L. of Mendocino, California, are making history by filing for the first gay divorce in the U.S. since the Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act.

Said John S., "We are so thrilled to be participating as equal citizens in ending our marriage through the divorce courts, just like everyone else has for so many decades."

"Yes," agreed John's soon-to-be ex Bradley L. "Now I can look forward to rancorous divorce proceedings, just like my parents did in '87. We are so proud."

Reporters and photographers were on hand as both men held a corner of their divorce papers and presented them to the Mendocino county clerk.

Citing "irreconcilable differences," John and Bradley said they knew their marriage was on the rocks only weeks after taking their vows.

"You think you know someone," said Bradley, "and then he comes to the dinner table with lamb vindaloo."

"Someone never told me he was averse to lamb," said John, "but I blame myself for not questioning Bradley sooner on this culinary show-stopper. When one loves deeply, perhaps one does not wish to learn the answer."

The couple have no children and thus will be spared a bitter custody battle, but Bradley stated that, nonetheless, "there is much to wrangle over, not the least of which is a Tiffany's china pattern that would make the coldest dictator weep."

"I'm stating it for the record," John announced. "That china goes so perfectly with my Afghan rug that separating them would be a crime against everything decent in the world."

"We'll see about decency, killer of baby lambs," said Bradley.

"Yes we will, redundant 'lamb' modifier," snapped John.

When the ink is dry on their divorce, the couple are planning a celebratory "intimate champagne brunch" for thirty of their closest friends. A complete menu will be served at the affair, but guests are asked to "bring your own beluga."

© 9.4.13 Kate Heidel