Martha Stewart Court Appearance Inspires New 'Martha Rules' Kitchenware

It's a good thing, according to Her Honor, The Martha.

Martha Stewart by David Shankbone 2010 NYC
photo credit: david_shankbone

NERGIZED BY giving testimony in New York's State Supreme Court on Tuesday, domestic diva Martha Stewart has announced she will be releasing a brand-new line of kitchen essentials called "Martha Rules."

Despite her current involvement in the J.C. Penney and Macy's case regarding whether she can sell her home goods in both stores, The Martha says her brand-new line will be on sale "at Penney's, Macy's, and anywhere else I see fit, because I am the Chief Justice in the highest court of kitchenware, frankly, and will not be overruled."

The design and production of the full line of new kitchen products will take approximately one year, "but when it's unveiled in 2014," said Ms. Stewart, "even I may be forced to remodel one of my kitchens to make it worthy of 'Martha Rules.' I am not above the law, you know," said the home living honchette, "especially if I write the law."

Ms. Stewart has decreed that her upcoming line will be "so complete, so unparalleled, you will feel like a common criminal buying any other brand."

Explained the Countess of la cuisine, "'Gosh,' you might think, 'I could really use a small spatula for the perfect transfer of batter into my mini muffin cups. I could buy an acceptable but unremarkable Rubbermaid at my local grocery store. Or for just a few dollars more, I could own a complete set of 'Martha Rules' color-coordinated, dye-free spatulas fashioned by Guatemalan free-trade rubber craftswomen.'"

"And notice I haven't even described how the spatula handles are carved by Florentine masters. But they are," smiled Ms. Stewart.

"Martha Rules" plans to offer something for all budgets, from "Order in the Court" meat tenderizers to "Perfect Execution" convection ovens.

"Our price points will run the gamut," said The Martha, "so there is no excuse not to peruse my line-up and shout 'That's the one!' at least once or twice. If you don't," she explained, "I'll simply have no choice but you hold you in contempt."