Tim Pawlenty Bores Man to Death in Michigan During Pro-Romney Event

Likely to be high point of ex-governor's campaign stop-overs, low point for everyone else.

Tim Pawlenty
photo credit: Gage Skidmore

ORMER MINNESOTA Governor Tim Pawlenty, on the short list of viable Republican Vice-Presidential hopefuls, accidentally bored a man to death in Kalamazoo, Michigan, Thursday afternoon while conversing with him after a Romney-for-President gathering.

Attempting to chat with members of the audience after one of his very dull speeches, Mr. Pawlenty apparently went into dull overdrive while speaking directly with the Kalamazoo resident.

"It was just one of those horrible, unfortunate accidents," said a Pawlenty aide of the death. "It's not like the Governor set out to be deadly boring, it just happened," he said.

The deceased man's name has not been released pending notification of his immediate family, but he was confirmed to be a forty-five-year-old Kalamazoo native, with no history of almost dying of boredom before Mr. Pawlenty's deadly conversation struck its fatal blow.

Specific details of the conversation are not being released "so we don't place more of our citizens in unnecessary danger," according to one local police officer on the scene. However, the Kalamazoo police department did release the general nature of topics overheard by survivors, which included "the weather, golf courses in Kalamazoo, how well-done to grill hamburgers, and more weather."

"I think the guy could've stood a chance if Pawlenty had just let up on the weather, just a little," said one survivor who escaped serious injury "by mingling with other, more interesting people in the crowd when I felt myself getting dizzy at the sound of Pawlenty's voice," he explained.

"What a horrible way to go," said a female witness, still slightly bored but unhurt. "The poor man was desperately trying not to yawn right in Pawlenty's face, I guess because he didn't want to be rude," she said. "But it might have saved him! Maybe Mr. Pawlenty would have stopped at that point and thought, 'Have I gone too far? Maybe I should just shut up, already.'"

However, the ex-governor continued to bore the Kalamazoo resident "until the man just fell down right on the spot, and Mr. Pawlenty just looked down at him and seemed confused," the woman recalled. "That's when we all ran to a more interesting part of the grounds," she said.

Mr. Pawlenty was taken in for routine questioning, but was released a few hours later when police became extremely bored. Kalamazoo police then drove the ex-governor to his awaiting tour bus and escorted it to the city limits to prevent any further encounters with other residents.

The FBI is warning residents of other cities on Pawlenty's itinerary to remain alert during the ex-governor's speeches by "drinking plenty of coffee, not engaging directly with the subject afterward, and thinking of sex whenever necessary."