Inmates No One's Ever Heard of Thrilled for Lohan over Care Packages

LiLo's happiness is their happiness.

INDSAY LOHAN'S sister inmates at the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, California, have expressed tremendous joy and relief at having learned their newest bunk mate is receiving care packages from fans around the globe.

"Thank heavens!" exclaimed inmate 1493857. "I was beginning to wonder whether Lindsay would ever be able to endure her ten-to-fourteen day sentence with good behavior before going back to a life of unimaginable wealth and privilege. I, on the other hand, am in for one year for my third DUI, but I'm just a nobody, so clearly I don't deserve to receive care packages."

"Neither do I!" chimed inmate 2410098. "I'm doing eighteen months for providing ingredients for a meth lab, so I am the scum of the earth. But Lindsay is beautiful despite her drug use, and as a result gets lots of modeling jobs, so I just couldn't be happier to hear that she is receiving special packages to help her get through this! For myself, I should have known better, and deserve every day of my sentence. No care packages for me, thank you very much."

Lohan's inmates also expressed their sincere desire that Lindsay's brief stay at the detention facility would, as inmate 114589 hoped, "be the best publicity vehicle for her career to date, and earn her millions more than she could have imagined in her wildest dreams!"

Added Ms. 114589, "I don't personally have any dreams, plus I expect to leave here as poor as I came in. However," she noted, "that's as it should be. After all, I'm no Lindsay Lohan."

"Neither are any of the rest of us!" said Ms. 2410098. "Just where do we think we're going when we get out of here? Nowhere, that's where! Why would we get a care package, with such laughably dim prospects?"

"But enough about us," said inmate 1344760. "I think the focus here needs to stay firmly on the only person who really matters in this place, and that is Lindsay Lohan. We should be thinking every day while she is among us what we can possibly do to make her stay more comfortable. That is, when she's not opening care packages."

Ideas the inmates voted as particularly attractive were giving Ms. Lohan all their dessert portions, pillows, and shower time; begging for her autograph; and letting her win at Trivial Pursuit.

"And when she leaves," said Ms. 1344760, "I sincerely hope that she will immediately forget she ever knew us. And above all, that she never, ever sends us a care package."