Republicans Vow to Protect Americans from Health Insurance 'At Any Cost'

Shutting down the government "is the least we can do," says House Speaker.

John Boehner
photo credit: Gage Skidmore

S THE United States braces for a likely government shutdown, House Speaker John Boehner is assuring the public that his party's fight to protect the American people from health insurance "will go to the wall if necessary."

Mr. Boehner, speaking to reporters outside House chambers just two days before a possible government shutdown on October 1, said, "a shutdown is the least we can do to show the American people we will not let them down by letting health insurance go into effect."

The speaker went on to say that Americans "have always enjoyed freedom from the stranglehold of health insurance, something that sets them apart from their less-fortunate European counterparts in nasty places like France and Germany.

"If we don't stop health insurance from becoming available to all Americans," continued Boehner, "we run the risk of waking up to a country in which people can't think straight for being told by some ranting doctor that they may have a disease or a condition, or that they may require treatments or medication. Or treatments AND medication!" said a clearly agitated Boehner.

"Imagine all that nonsense rattling around in your head all day, when you're trying to work to put food on the table. I won't allow it! Not at any cost!!" he thundered.

Mr. Boehner said health insurance was "fine for Europeans like those German nut-jobs, for example, who think having a heart attack gives you an excuse to take a week off," adding, "Americans are made of stronger stuff. We know that all you need is the Lord and a good strong cup of joe."

The Speaker said he and his Republican colleagues planned to work "around the clock" to see to it that Americans who were not members of Congress "would not be forced into the gulag of health insurance, with its humiliating annual physicals, personal questions, and all that garbage."

When asked if he and his membership would show solidarity with the American people by giving up their own health insurance, Boehner sniffed optimistically and said he would put it to a vote "as soon as we get all that gun-control stuff worked out."